remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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