Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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