You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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