Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
