It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
