Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize