it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
