i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
