my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
