When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
