im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
