Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
