I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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