I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
