zippers are such a cool invention
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize