I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
