Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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