dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
