Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
