Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
