I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
