Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
