You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
