The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
