so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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