...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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