omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
