Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize