I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
