Can i not drive my cunt home
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
