Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
