I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize