Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
