this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All the doctor said was why
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
