Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
