i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
