In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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