I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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