I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize