I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dick very happy bro
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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