You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
