he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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