life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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