at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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