dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
