There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
