Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
