Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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