woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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