you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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