dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
