I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
