just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
