I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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