three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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