moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
