I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Shame - the story of my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
