I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
