I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
